Hesitation
by Silver-Snow-77
Summary: For Lavilena week theme 2: Hesitation. Lavi wants her. He wants her so badly that it terrifies him. If he dares to touch her, to love her and be loved in return, he will be lost.


**Hey all, Snow here. College and life in general have kept me fairly busy, so I haven't posted my writing in a while. Well, I figured "why not do Lavilena week?" Lavilena is one of my favorite OTPs, and my friend is one of the mods/organizers/founders. So, here is my second contribution.**

**This entry for Lavilena week is based on the Second theme, ****_Hesitation_****. This was written while listening to Born to Die by Lana Del Rey, I Don't Wanna Be In Love by Good Charlotte, Howl by Florence + The Machine, Good Enough by Evanescence, All I Need by Within Temptation, Core of My Addiction by Fireflight, and All Around me by Flyleaf. Pandora apparently decided to give me a perfect storm of mood music in just the right sequence, and this was born. I actually really like this, though it's very different from my original idea for this theme.**

**Warnings: non-explicit sex, heavy romance, kind of cliche, Lavi being very emotional, not beta-d.**

He reaches out for her, calloused fingertips longing to tangle in silken ebony tresses, to dance over skin both scarred and smooth, to discover the curves and planes and angles of her body. But just at the point where he nearly feels her warmth, he freezes, as if turned to stone. She sees it in his face, the longing, the fear, the awe and devotion, so tangled and warring behind that single jade eye.

Lavi wants her. He wants her so badly that it terrifies him. Coldness and heat fight furiously in his core, duty and passion locked in battle. And while he feels the biting heat of lust in his gut and groin at the sight of her, the smell and sound and feel and taste of her, it is the butterflies of nerves that flutter in his stomach, the tingling in his chest and the dreams of holding her and loving her that give him pause. If he dares to touch her, to love her and be loved in return, he will be lost. His duty, his life, everything that came before he met, her, all will be meaningless, because he will become human again. He will have a _heart_.

She knows this. She accepts this. She wants him, wants all of him, accepts him and loves him back. Lavi is not her everything, but he knows that and is glad. Lenalee is whole and strong and beautiful and so flawed yet so devastatingly perfect that he marvels at her every action, every breath, every word. He is terrified of her but loves her all the more for this. He could never deserve her, and the fact that she has still chosen him, the one just starting to awaken the heart that he was supposed to have killed a lifetime ago, is astounding.

She takes his hand, and it is a familiar feeling, yet so very different from times before. This touch holds a different meaning, a different significance than the times he pulled her to her feet or the times she dragged him away from danger, or the times she cried against him. As her fingers cup the back of his neck and she looks at him with a velveteen gaze, as she leans forward and stays a mere breath away, letting him choose to take the leap from _comrade friend protector partner companion helper observer Bookman _to _lover_, he can feel the ice in his chest break, shattering into thousands of shards like glass before melting away. And at last he does what he has longed to do for years now, crossing that final separation and tenderly kissing her.

It is more than he ever dreamed of. And she assures him with every whisper, every sigh, every smile and touch that it is not a dream, that he is awake and in her arms. His blood is singing in his veins, the heat of her touch branding him and bringing him into a state unlike anything he had felt before. And it is with the touch of her lips to his that he feels something inside him _break shatter fade gone where did it go why was it there _and finally, finally the cold is gone, even if just for the ephemeral moment where they lie entwined in comforting, enveloping darkness.

Here and now, Lenalee is holding his very soul, the essence of his being in her hands. Her hands are soft and warm and sweet and he can feel his pulse fluttering in his throat like that of a trapped rabbit in the hands of a child, heart ready to burst from the intensity of the gripping fear and wonder. She draws him down onto her, into her, embracing him with all her love and strength and sorrow. _Mine. Yours. His. Hers. Ours. Together. Please. Yes. Found. Loved. Breathe. Alive._

Together they are falling, and they will stay this way, entwined and plummeting like a falling star through the empty cold and darkness into the light. In the morning he will have to leave, before the dawn rises and the others will stir and look and ask questions. But he knows, and she knows, that he has made his choices, and when they are alone together with none but the stars and moon to witness, then again they will embrace and fall together once more.

**I hope that you all enjoy this. Reviews are very much appreciated.**


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